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Subject:Understanding the divine
Time:03:59 pm
Current Mood:contemplativecontemplative
I haven’t updated in a while again but I want to post something that happened very recently, just a few nights ago.  Firstly I shall explain that I have been feeling a huge amount of anxiety lately about what the truth is about life on earth and in the higher realms and who or what divinity really is.  I used to think, because my heart told me it was true, that the being or beings, many simply call God, is an ever loving and forgiving force in the universe.  I also believed that we as ever living souls really do set our own fates to a great degree when we leave the world of now behind and go on the journey we call death.  This anxiety though had for some reason caused me to forget all I had ever held true and simply fear everything related to faith.  The wonderful news now though is that I am really starting to feel like I have over come that and am back on track once and for all.  

In any case, a few nights ago I was lying down listening to music while meditating before going to sleep.  It’s hard to put things like this down onto a keyboard and monitor without it losing it’s importance and seeming like a simple, unimportant occurrence, but it was in my mind still very important at the time.  I began to feel slightly like my mind was tuned in to a new awareness.  Finally I think the divine really showed me what is was.  I had been more or less right along.  In no way did I ever sense it then as a fear inspiring vengeful character.  All I was able to understand is that is was an all knowing, ever loving, non judging power, but that we all as humans, in some way share a part of that power too.  A field of stars and bands of blue and pink come to mind too, but I can’t recall how they fit in to it all or what that meant
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Current Music:Frank Sinatra - Somethin' stupid
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Subject:Waking up without waking?
Time:10:57 pm
Current Mood:curiouscurious
Two mornings ago, I woke up in bed and noticed the time on my clock was around ten a.m.  I was still strangely very tired though yet very awake as well.  I also noticed a strangely placed sock loose on the nightstand.  It had a sports pattern on it. Little tennis rackets and balls, I think.  It occurred to me only that I really should put that displaced old sock into the laundry.  It failed to occur to me at the moment, just how odd it was for me to have a random sock thrown onto the nightstand.  It also failed to occur to me, that I do not actually own any socks with that kind of print on them.  That kind of print would be a very out of character thing for me to wear.  (do they even make adult size socks with prints like that?  *shrugs*)  Well at any rate, I have no clue when or even why I fell asleep again, but sure enough I did.  I woke up not long after that, jumped out of bed and went to start my day.  It was not yet even tem in the morning, but somehow that didn’t strike me as odd right away.  Upon watering my little fern in the corner on a shelf, I remembered to grab that sock, find the partner to it, and put both where they belonged.  It’s only when I looked over to see that of course there was nothing out of the ordinary on that little nightstand - Certainly no odd, childish looking sock or anything else- that I really begun to think of anything strange having happened.  It hit me then, like a ton of bricks that I don’t own any items like that in the first place.  I recalled how I had first woke up later than the current time.  I remembered how tired, yet awake I had been before.  Of course now it was clear, that I had not really woken up at all the first time.
    This feeling is familiar to me really.  Many times in past homes I have lived in, something like this has happened.  I would often, over the period of a few years, wake up in a state that seemed to be in-between sleeping and waking.  The world I would see would be very close to our physical world, with a few differences.  The feeling of tiredness, being awake and wishing to get up, but being so tired and needing to sleep again, was familiar too.  The last time anything like that happened though was over a year ago.   Now as I write this I am thinking to myself, that I can’t believe it happened again.  This time was so much smoother and less shocking as well.  That is likely the reason I didn’t not at first know it for what it was.  In all my past occurrences of this, I have tried so hard to wake up, fully convinced, in my confusion that I am already awake need for some reason to get outside or too a window.  I have many times been convinced that fresh, cool air would shake of the feelings of exhaustion, but could never make it to the door.  I would often try, but always, just as I thought I had taken a coupe of steps, find myself back in my bed, still needed to move and get somewhere near the door.  It was very frustrating to say the least, and also pretty scary of a thing to be unable to shake off.  This time though it was so different than the other times it had happened.  This time, in hindsight I know the feeling of it was the same, but I was not afraid or frustrated.  I did not even try to move to a door.  I did not feel like I needed to.  I just thought, very coherently that I really ought to put things away (ie. the socks in the laundry) and that was that.  At least this time it was just a simple issue of misplaced clothing, that I would never normally leave laying around.  I am thankful that the walls floor and ceiling were all in the right ordinations.  Several times they have flipped and that, as you can likely well imagine, is very disorienting.  I shall likely not soon forget the morning I woke up a couple of years ago, laying sideways, staring at my ceiling where I know a wall should have been, and knowing then and there that I was in real trouble.  

 
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Subject:Hmmm... I wonder
Time:11:28 pm
Current Mood:amusedamused
There is a huge universe out there, just beyond my reach... just out of the realms of my understanding.  The feeling of being more than just a physical and greatly limited being crept up on me more than ever before last night.  After doing my mediation and finally getting into bed, feeling tired but yet still awake, I began to think of this concept again.  The idea of being more and yet not yet seeing first hand, more than a tiny part of what i really am capable of knowing and what so called "reality' is, really got me into a state of feeling bound and trapped again.  I began to fall asleep, in a very open minded state of being and soon become aware of the feeling of actually once again sensing, as i have a few times before, the possibillity
of transfering awareness to a body other than my physical one.  I know the feeling of expanding awareness quite well now and was certainly at the point of becoming aware of much more.  last night though I wanted to be able to make something big happen more than ever before.
I am loving that I have really started to get into the habit of meditating again before bed.  I did think at first that maybe that was not going to be the best time to do so, but i had no better time to do it really.  My naighbors are loud upstairs until very late and night and I can't seem to meditate with that chaos going on.  I just get to darn fustrated with the thought of the  constant disrespect, to really feel like trying to just deal  with it.  making my mediation time so late in the evening however is actually working well for me.  I tend to lately be getting into bed to sleep, still in a spiritual mindset.  I wonder about the posibilites that could leave open.
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Current Music:Nickelback- Rockstar
Current Location:Home
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Subject:LOL, I'm not dead... honest
Time:12:43 am
Current Mood:blahblah
It's my life i guess.  leave things, (like in this case, my live journal) alone for a loooong time, only to pick it up again later.  I would love to start to write in this journal more often again, but honestly I find I often have so little to say lately.  Life have been ultra boring and ordinary.  I have had no great insights to give.  I wish, I so wish, i could come up with more to write.  will update more often, soon.  really i will.  For some reason, that little voice in my head, (lol, no I'm not hearing voices.  I think we all have a small vioce that tells up at times, what to do.  Some kind of inner giudence system) was hounding me to write in here again.   I can't stand the idea of simply not journalling now, even if there is nothing to really journal.  This was going to be a metaphyical journal origainaly, among other things.  I don't know why i never really used it as one.  Ok, I think I am going to start to write the accounts of my metaphyical like in here.    
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Current Music:VNV Nation - Airships
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Subject:From Both Sides
Time:07:56 pm
Current Mood:confusedconfused
I got to thinking this over the other day.  I have always been the kind of person that really tends top think that most people are right in many ways.  Even two opposing views can both be entirely correct, if ones stops to consider many different angels to it.  I tend to find myself in agree with most people about many issues, even the ones that oppose another person I might have just agreed with perhaps only an hour before.  It’s not as though I won’t voice an opinion stating that I outright and utterly disagree, if I really do completely don not agree at all.  I love a good, informative and mentally stimulating debate once in a while.  It’s just that I really do try to be nice about having a differing view.  In any case, it’s not often that I will completely be unable to see the viewpoint of anyone I consider a friend.  Yet however, the past couple days I have been thinking… does this common agreement with both sides of things that could turn into agreements between others, make me in way two faced?
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Current Music:VNV Nation
Current Location:My living room
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Subject:Anxiety
Time:08:59 pm
Current Mood:anxiousanxious
       
Gosh be darned anxiety attacks.  Hardly seems fair that I should have to be plagued by another one tonight, after having had one almost every night this week.  Yet here I am, having another one tonight in any case.  If only things weren’t so out of my control.  If only I could gain the control that is just a little out of my reach it seems.  The world seems to be spinning around with me holding on for dear life, without even know where I am going.  God I hate to feel this way so much of the time.  Many people, if asked for their opinions, might tell me to get onto some good and powerful anti-anxiety drugs.  I do know that these do indeed actually work, and yet I don’t feel like I really want to be on them.  I don’t think I need to be popping pills for things like this.  I’m not judging people who do need to take meds, and who chose to fallow instructions and take those.  I even feel that some people really do need them, and can benefit.  Myself however… I just know that if I took pills of that sort, I would stand a good chance of sort of losing myself.  I honestly think that everyone has their own path in life, something they were meant to get done.  I can’t help but think that mine could not be completely, while drugged on strong meds.  Goodness, this is a confusing time.  
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Subject:What is real mental illness?
Time:11:12 pm
Current Mood:gratefulgrateful
Long time since I last updated this.  I have been busy and not really writing much.  I wrote soemthing the other day though on a forum, that I decided I wanted to share on here.  Simply another of my aimless musings, lol.

I got to thinking more and more lately about the notion of mental illness. I had been question myself about whether or not I think it's even possible to have a true mental illness. Maybe what any people think of as an illness , is instead simply seeing things in a different way. I have recently come to the conclusion that while they is actually mental illness in the world, that is not most people who are taking medication for it, or who have been led to believe they have one. People with true mental illness are those that hear voices in their heads telling them often to harm themselves or others. They are the ones who really cannot take care of themselves anymore, because their mind is so imbalanced in someway that they can't even make themselves care enough to eat, balance to budget, or keep themselves clean. They are the ones who can't leave them houses, or have moods that swing so bad from the extreme of wanting to die, to thinking they are invincible. You would have a very hard time convincing me that a person needs to be on very strong drugs and in some kind of therapy because they think they can talk with beings in higher dimensions, have seen a UFO, had an out of body experience, or talks at night with their long dead grandfather. You would find your self just as hard pressed to convince me that a person is delusional because he thinks doomsday is upon us soon, or talks to himself on the bus every morning. Even those who claim to be profits, channelers, the reincarnations of historical figures, and people sent here to show us a better way, are likely far from being "insane" in my book.

I do feel that humanity as a whole is becoming so much more accepting and understanding of people in such cases, in the past few years. People are becoming so much more open tot he idea that things beyond their realm of understanding may actually be possible. Still though, we have a long way to go yet. I can help but wonder what would happen if many people stopped talking the medication that was given to them in an effort to make them like everyone else. What if the people who heard voices, listened to what the voices said instead of muting them with pills? What if the people who saw into higher realms allowed themselves to believe what they were seeing? Would it be so horrible if those who thought that some evil in the world was really out to do us all harm, tried to stop it, instead of popping pills while barring their windows?
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Current Location:My living room
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Subject:Personal Responsibility
Time:09:22 pm
Current Mood:contemplativecontemplative
Responsibility.  I have be pondering that word as of late, and thus have decided to put my musings on paper, err… keyboard, so that I may make a little more sense of my feelings toward the word.  Specifically I am thinking of persona responsibility for one’s own actions.  I’ll use the example of a woman who beats on her young son.  Clearly, that woman belongs in jail right?  Or, at the very least she should receive heavy fines and community service for what she has done to that boy.  However… and this is where it gets a little tricky… What if her own father beat up on both her and her mother, and brother, while she was a child?  What if the family had lived in an isolated, rural area where the children where home schooled and had virtually no outside friends, let alone went to their houses?  Would one not then have to consider these facts before making a sure judgment of this woman.  Could it not be, in any likelihood at all, that she beat up her son because she really had no idea how else to parent a child.  Being as her own child is male, I suppose there is even a chance he could remind her of her father, who she clearly wishes to beat up on.  Now, I’ll go even further with this, and here it gets even trickier.  We could then blame the child beating woman’s father I suppose, because he was the one who taught her those kinds of behaviors, however, what if HIS father beat him all his childhood existence as well?  Even worse, what if his father beat on him.  And on and on it goes.  Now, I am certainly not saying that I condone child abuse.  I most certainly do not in any way.  I’ve been there and I think it’s one of the most horrid things a child can be subjected to.  All I’m saying is that maybe instead of calling this woman a horrible person, and leaving it at that, expecting her to take full responsibility for her crime and pay for her actions, when she might not have known any better, Maybe someone should actually teach her something and help her out a bit.

That its just one of many examples I could use in this issue.  It would not have mattered though in the end which example I had picked.  The fact is, it might actually be worth considering that human beings, as a general rule, seem very content to just point figures at others, who are in some kind of trouble and tell them to take responsibility for their own actions.  My thinking is that there might be a few cases in which a person cannot do that, or can, but not without help and a little patient teaching.  Have my fellow human beings begun to take this self responsibility thing to the point of obsession?  Have we brought it to the point where anyone who knows they have done wrong but need a helping hand to get back on track, are actually becoming afraid to get that help for fear of ridicule and useless implications of laziness and stupidity? 
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Subject:I need to move
Time:09:12 pm
Current Mood:optimisticoptimistic
Okay, so I haven’t updated in a while now and it seems that so much has happened.  I’m moving.  I’m outta here at the end of the month and I still don’t know where I’m going to go.  I was evicted.  That’s just great and lovely my friends.  My roommate went and got into a bit of a mess and now I’m out as well and without a guaranteed place just because I live here.  I suppose I could go downstairs to the landlord and try and convince him to let me keep this place and take over it’s lease, but I don’t feel like he would let me.  Besides, I don’t feel moved to do so.  I guess getting evicted could be in a way a good thing.  I’ve been thinking of taking a different living arrangement for some time now, and this will be my excuse to do so.  Trouble is, having lived with other people for my whole life, I have no furniture except for bedroom stuff.  Strange but true, age 26 and I don’t even own a couch or a dinning room table.  I enjoy keeping things pretty empty and minimalist now, but that’s a little bit much.  I guess I’ll be deal hunting soon, trying to get some simple furniture.  I do own dishes and things thank goodness.  I think in the mean time, until I get the things I need I’ll just do the stereotypical college living thing and prop things  up on upturned moving crates.  It could be fun.  God, I’m so sickly optimistic lately. 

I guess I could go and stay with a couple friend in another town a few hours away for awhile until a place come up here in the town I live in now.  Kinda hard to leave my whole life behind though and just go to some hick town where don’t know anyone else but that couple.  That could however be just the challenge I’ve been looking for.  Maybe I’ll do it.  My current roomie wants to buy a mobile home and says I should live with her in that.  I might but we’re having trouble finding a place to put it.  There are no trailer park lots ATM and we need one in like three weeks.  In any case, I think I want to go my own way for a while and live life the way I want to.  I tend to feel lately like I can’t do as I will to the extent I would like.  I’m in my mid twenties now.  In fact sometimes I stop nad think of just how fast my life is going by and how far behind me my childhood is now… Yet I also feel like I have never really lived in the world.  As I mentioned before, I have never lived completely on my own.  In fact I also still have my old single bed and have never had bills in my name. 

I have no clue what I will do here.  Three weeks ids not long enough  to get into a place in my price range. I make a very low income, and could not get a damage deposit and first months rent together even if I could find a place nearby.  I’m so up the creek with out a paddle here, and yet I don’t feel myself really caring a whole lot.  Maybe the new sense of faith and power that I seem to have acquired in the last few months is doing the job of protecting me from all this trouble, or maybe my mind just can’t even process this kind of thing.  Maybe this is what happens when everyone goes out of their way to keep a person from having to learn, having to try.  Oh well.  We shall see.  I’ll keep this updated.
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Subject:Writer's Block: Saving Money
Time:10:48 pm
What are some ways to save money on gas?
Well I suppose the way to save the most on gas would be to not own a car.  If you do chose to own one however and wish to save on gas, do what I do.  I walk allot and leave the car at home.  If I do bring it with me, I tend to park it and walk to nearby stores.  I shut the motor off at train crossings as well, and I shut it off while waiting for someone I am giving a ride to.  Oh yes, I also coast downhill with my foot off the gas pedel.
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